What does a codependent parent-child relationship look like?

What does a codependent parent-child relationship look like? A codependent parent-child relationship is characterized by an unhealthy and controlling attachment in which the parent’s identity and self-worth become dependent on how the child feels, acts, and behaves. Unlike a healthy parent-child relationship that evolves towards independence and autonomy, a codependent parent-child relationship can lead to stunted growth and development for both individuals, resulting in an emotionally unhealthy environment.

Codependency was first introduced as a concept to describe relationships around substance abuse and addiction. However, it has now extended to other types of unhealthy relationships, such as those between parents and their children. Medical News Today explains that “codependent parents typically have a long history of unhealthy attachment and low self-worth, which interferes with their ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries”. The cycle can be difficult to break without outside help or self-directed awareness.

What does a codependent parent-child relationship look like? The most common signs and symptoms

It is not always easy to diagnose a codependent parent-child relationship, as many of the signs appear to be a natural part of parental concern and affection. But several behaviors distinguish codependency from healthy parenting:

Controlling behavior

What codependent parents do, often in the name of care and support, is control what the child does, what the child thinks, and what the child cares about: they drive the bus of the child’s life without leaving space for the child’s own emerging self. They might force their child to pursue a career path the adult child doesn’t want. They might want to control their adult child’s romantic relationships with someone the child doesn’t feel comfortable with.

Blurred boundaries

A parent in a codependent relationship inevitably infringes on the child’s boundaries, viewing the child as an extension of themselves. This could lead to enmeshment when the child’s feelings become the parent’s responsibility: the parent might take ownership of the child’s problems, fix them, or punish the child for not precisely mirroring their feelings and behavior.

Emotional manipulation

Codependent parents might try to control the child’s behavior by sending them on a guilt trip using passive-aggressive behavior, refusing affection, or even giving them silent treatment to get the child to act in ways that will meet the parent’s emotional needs. They might also position themselves as victims to gain the child’s sympathy while enforcing their control of what the child can and cannot decide. This kind of emotional manipulation can have a lasting effect on a child’s self-esteem and sense of agency, and could cause the development of various anxiety disorders.

Causes of codependent parent-child relationships

Codedependent behaviors in parents are usually related to unresolved developmental issues in their own childhood, such as growing up in a dysfunctional family, living with substance abuse, or emotional neglect. As ACFMW explains, parents raised in a parentified role may repeat this pattern with their children.

Some common factors that lead to codependency in parent-child relationships include:

Unresolved childhood trauma

A parent who was traumatized or neglected in childhood might try to be ‘super-involved’ with a child as a way to avoid repeating the neglect. However, this intense involvement might produce parental codependency rather than healthy support.

Issues with self-esteem

Low self-esteem can lead parents to seek validation from their children or to feel that they are worthy because they are needed and cannot be replaced by their children. This dependency is bad for both parent and child, as the child feels they must meet the parent’s emotional needs.

Dysfunctional family dynamics

Surrounded by unhealthy boundaries, addictions, or emotional dysregulation, you may be more likely to develop codependent patterns. Similarly, from generation to generation, parents can re-enact these dynamics in their relationships with their children, normalizing codependency as part of familial love and care.

Emotional impact on the child

The effects on children raised in a codependent environment can be substantial and could potentially cause mental health issues. Because of the parent’s over-involvement with and manipulation of the child, the child can have a weak sense of identity, poor self-esteem, and lack of confidence in their own ability to make good decisions. They grow up feeling overly responsible for other people’s feelings and often experience a range of negative outcomes. These are some of the most common signs of a child raised in a codependent environment:

Low self-esteem

Because codependent parents often disparage their child’s agency, the child might have trouble seeing herself as competent or deserving. This is manifested in fear of change, trouble standing up for oneself, difficulty taking criticism, or making decisions without constantly questioning their choice.

Difficulty setting boundaries

Daughters and sons of dysfunctional parents might end up with unhealthy boundaries. They might not be able to identify their own needs and feelings as distinct from those of their parents. Later in life, they might find it hard to say ‘no’ to others in relationships due to having a fear of rejection and might be compelled to accommodate the needs of others, even at their own expense and well-being.

Emotional dependence

In doing so, codependent parents unwittingly train their children to over-rely on the opinions of others, rather than to trust their own discernment. Consequently, some of these children will not grow out of the pattern of relying on their parents’ approval, or their need to please others when they’re older. They might continue to look to their mates or peers for validation rather than developing a healthy sense of self-assurance.

Impact on adult children of codependent parents

This parent-child dynamic can carry over into the adult years, and the adult child sometimes finds it difficult to ever escape codependent behaviors altogether. Adult children of codependent parents can continue to feel a strong sense of duty to meet their parents’ needs and desires, and this can make it difficult for them to establish healthy, independent lives. Some of the ways in which the effects of codependency have been shown to linger into adulthood include:

Fear of independence

Many adult children with codependent parents live with the fear of independence, fearing that they will abandon their parents, or cause their parents undue stress and emotional torment if they leave. As a result, they might not be able to take any actions intended to lead to independence, like moving out or taking more responsibility for their own lives.

Difficulty forming healthy relationships

Raised in a family that displayed love conditionally, adult children might find themselves attracted to individuals who exert excessive control, are emotionally unavailable way, or require the same inappropriate caretaking that they experienced as children. Consequently, as adults, they might inadvertently mimic the same relationship pattern of codependency and unavailability that they experienced as children.

Continuing the cycle of codependency

The adult children of codependent parents are the ones most at risk of becoming the same kind of parent – if there isn’t any intervention. Such parents harbor a distorted view of love and attachment, and often unwittingly elevate their emotional needs and expectations to an unrealistic level. This is why it is so important to look out for and treat these dynamics in therapy before they become the default pattern of behavior in a new generation.

The role of parentification in codependency

Parentification is when a child is given the responsibility of being a parent, often fulfilling a caretaking role for their parent’s emotional or even physical well-being. In the dynamics of codependency, parents often treat their children as caretakers, seeking their emotional support and validation. This inversion of roles on the part of the parent can cause the child a significant amount of psychological harm.

Emotional burden

Parentified children are expected to navigate adult responsibilities, including being a stress manager for their parents, who depend on them emotionally, forcing them to repress their own needs to accommodate the parent, causing anxiety, depression, pent-up anger, and a lack of identity.

Lack of childhood experiences

A child who has to play the role of a parent misses out on the most important aspects of childhood – play, exploration, and friendship. This can stunt emotional development, and impact their ability to have age-appropriate friendships and hobbies.

Internalized guilt and shame

As a parentified child, they might internalize the responsibility for the other person’s happiness. If your parent isn’t happy, it might feel like you need to make it your goal to make them happy again constantly. If your parent is depressed, you might tell yourself that they are depressed because you didn’t do something right. If they are physically ill, you might think that your inaction caused your parent to get sicker. And any guilt and shame that arises in these situations will stay with you and affect how you think about yourself, and your ability to have a healthy sense of worth.

Strategies to overcome codependency as a parent

Overcoming codependency takes a high level of self-awareness, commitment, and professional support. Parents must recognize their behavior and take proactive steps to develop healthier ways of being that support their child’s growing independence. If you’re a codependent mother or father, here are some tips that can help you overcome codependency.

Cultivate self-awareness

Recognizing your own codependent patterns is the first step to freeing yourself from them: consider your relationship with your child and consider whether you have ever needed to have a sense of control, if you’ve experienced a lack of boundaries with your child, or if you give your child the attention that you may not be able to get elsewhere. It’s difficult to change behaviors you are unaware of, so cultivating self-awareness is the first step in making positive changes.

Set and respect boundaries

Being clear about healthy boundaries is critical to building independence and mutual respect. Keep your space clear of your child’s things and their space separate from yours. Encourage your child to make their own choices, even if they’re not the ones you’d make. Let the child make their own decisions as much as possible, although you can suggest options based on your own values. This is a delicate balance that cuts down on enmeshment and can help the child experience autonomy.

Seek professional therapy

Individual, family, or group therapy can help in your recovery. A licensed therapist will be able to help identify what’s going on beneath the surface and to help find ways to be better parents.

Treatment options for codependent parent-child relationships

As stated above, therapy interventions for the parents and children target the alteration of context through improved boundaries and communication, including family therapy and treatment (eg, dialectical behavior therapy, and multifamily therapy).

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)

CBT is the most commonly used form of therapy, and one of the most successful in having people reconstruct dysfunctional thinking, and then change their unhelpful behavior. With the help of CBT, a parent in a codependent parent-child relationship can learn to realize their push to control their child, and then learn how to be in a healthier relationship with their adult child.

Family Therapy

Family therapy focuses on the relationships between family members and helps the group work together to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts.

Support groups and educational workshops

You might also benefit from attending support groups, as well as from catch-up workshops that teach parents how to set healthy boundaries with their children while still maintaining a positive relationship with them as they grow into adults.

Building healthy relationships with your child

The key to having a healthy relationship with your child is to build an atmosphere of trust, respect, and mutual support, which will enable the parent to foster the child’s independence as well as be there to provide support in a way that enhances the child’s confidence and sense of self, rather than making him/her dependent. Here’s what you can do to cultivate this sort of healthy parent-child relationship:

Encourage independence and self-worth

Support their interests and values; encourage risk-taking and tolerate failure. These sorts of norms help to foster their self-esteem and resilience.

Foster open communication

The other step you can take to rid yourself of the ghost of the child who’s terrified of error is to establish a space for your child’s thoughts and feelings. Let’s face it, when parents listen to their children’s words and feelings without making judgment and reflect back those feelings without criticism and without positing their own precepts, children feel that they are being listened to respectfully, and they feel much safer to let go of their affective dependence.

Practice self-care

Parents need time for themselves. Exercise, talk to a friend or a therapist, and have goals other than your children – all of these support you in your development of an identity outside of the role of being a parent.

Recognizing codependency in yourself as a parent

It can be difficult to recognize codependency in yourself. Ask yourself the following questions to better assess tendencies toward codependence:

Do you feel overly responsible for your child’s emotions and actions?

Do you have difficulty setting boundaries with your child?

Do you rely on your child to fulfill your emotional needs?

Do you struggle to enforce discipline because you fear your child’s reaction?

If you answered ‘yes’ to several of these questions, you may want to talk to a mental health professional about helpful interventions to improve the way you parent.

Resources for codependent parents and children

There are numerous resources available for parents and children struggling with codependency. Books, online articles, and professional counseling can provide valuable insights and tools for overcoming codependency and building healthier relationships.

Consider the following resources for further reading:

Important disclosures

Some of the links on this blog are affiliate links, meaning I may earn a small commission if you click and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services that align with this blog’s values and goals. Your support helps me continue sharing valuable psychology-related insights and resources. Thank you!

The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.