Can you be hyper-independent and codependent at the same time? This is a very valid question that some people ask. The short answer is:
Yes, one can be both hyper-independent and codependent but not at the same time. It’s common to shift between these two extreme behavioral patterns, depending on the circumstances or the relationship.
For instance, one might be hyper-independent at work by refusing help and assuming too much responsibility – while in intimate relationships one might be a clingy person and fear being abandoned. Often, each of these behaviors is truly a trauma response due to unmet emotional needs, and each emerges as a way to protect the self.
The real difference between being hyper – independent and having codependent patterns lies in the way each of them tries to keep control: hyper-independence emerges from a need to be self-sufficient and avoid being vulnerable, whereas codependency involves losing oneself in others to stay close and avoid potential rejection. If taken to the extreme, either behavior can be damaging to meaningful relationships, and to one’s wellbeing and mental health. Thus, understanding the difference and striking a middle path between the two is essential to one’s emotional health.
What is hyper – independence?
Hyper – independence often gets mistaken for a healthy form of self-sufficiency – the ability to take care of oneself – but it’s really an extreme version of self-reliance.
Hyper‑independent people often refuse help, avoid their own vulnerability, and feel an overwhelming need to do it all by themselves. Hyper-independence is often a response to trauma, the result of an unpredictable, neglectful or abusive parent or caregiver, a broken promise, or a family environment where a child never felt safe.
In an effort to prevent further harm, hyper-independent people build walls and prioritise their self-reliance over close relationships, either friendship or romantic relationships. When taken to an extreme, people with an avoidant attachment style may show signs of hyper – independence.
7 hyper-independence trauma symptoms
- Avoiding Help: Refusing to ask for assistance, even when overwhelmed. Asking for help may seem like a sign of weakness for hyper-independent people.
- Trust Issues: Difficulty trusting others, often resulting in surface-level relationships. It’s common for hyper-independent people to have a lack of trust in others.
- Emotional Detachment: Struggling to express or share personal emotions.
- Strong Boundaries: An aversion to letting others into personal space or intimate matters.
- Perfectionism: A belief that “if I don’t do it, it won’t be done right.”
- High-Functioning Anxiety: Overloading oneself with responsibilities to mask anxiety or stress in their daily life. This leads to developing anxiety over time.
- Burnout: Experiencing physical and emotional exhaustion from handling everything solo.
Root causes of hyper-independence
Hyper – independence is often a reaction to childhood trauma. Some studies, including a 2016 paper published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, suggest that previous experiences of betrayal, abandonment or a lack of emotional support when someone is young can lead to hyper-independence in their adult lives and have a negative impact on personal relationships.
When you’re coerced into emotional self-sufficiency as a child, you might extend these patterns into adulthood, inevitably perpetuating cycles of avoidance and isolation and developing extreme independence in all aspects of life.
What is codependency?
Codependency is ultimately based on an unhealthy need for validation and a sense of self-worth that is sought out outside of the self, in others
In codependent relationships, the codependent is unable to sustain a sense of self-esteem or identity except through caring for or pleasing others. This tendency to prioritize others’ needs over one’s own and adopting the role of caregiver reflects a fear of rejection or disapproval codependent people have, and runs the risk of overextension in relationships.
7 signs of codependency
- People-pleasing: Prioritizing others’ needs to avoid conflict or rejection.
- Difficulty setting boundaries: Struggling to say “no” and feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
- Low self-esteem: Basing self-worth on the approval and validation of others.
- Fear of abandonment: Staying in unhealthy relationships to avoid being alone.
- Excessive attachment: Becoming overly invested in others’ lives, leading to enmeshment. People with codependent tendencies may have a disorganized attachment style, which in its extreme could get the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.
- Rescuing behavior: In their relationships with people, codependents get their sense of worth by trying to fix or control others’ problems.
- Guilt: Feeling responsible for others’ emotions and feeling guilty when prioritizing oneself.
Root causes of codependency
In her book Codependent No More (1987), Melody Beattie, author and recovery expert, wrote that codependency is often the result of growing up in: “a family where there is alcoholism or drug addiction, a family where there is abuse, or in families where there was emotional neglect, physical neglect, or any kind of dysfunction.”
When her book was released in the 80s, the term codependent was more closely associated with families where addiction or alcoholism was present. However, this definition has been revised, and the dysfunctional behaviors in the family may not necessarily include substance use disorder, but rather dysfunctions of relating to others. In most extreme cases, this could mean sexual abuse or being raised by narcissistic parents.
Codependent behaviors are learned as a way of coping with unpredictable or unsafe family situations, which can lead to an adult tendency of seeking validation and emotional safety from the outside world. This can show up in compulsive caretaking or ‘rescuing’ behaviors.
Hyper – independence vs. codependency: how do they differ?
Surprisingly, despite their apparent polar opposite qualities, hyper – independence and codependency can actually stem from similar roots: both can grow out of traumatic experiences during childhood.
The hyper-independent person shrinks back from others and denies any need for help. The codependent person sprawls over others, losing themselves in a relationship. One retreats to avoid emotional intimacy; the other clings to avoid rejection.
Interestingly, it is also not uncommon for a single individual to swing between these two extremes. After a rejection or a betrayal, a codependent person might adopt hyper-independent tendencies to shield themselves from further wounds; conversely, a hyper-independent person who begins to feel lonely or overwhelmed might become codependent in certain relationships, craving the acknowledgment that validation gives them.
The impact on relationships
Hyper-independence and codependency can lead to equally dysfunctional patterns in relationships. The hyper-independent person’s inclination to close off emotionally can leave the other person feeling shut out or uninterested, or simply too aloof, detached, or unavailable.
While relationships in which one person is emotionally starved may seem more obvious, codependent relationships can be equally unhealthy. The codependent may smother their romantic partners with attention, worry, or concern. This behavior can cause resentment or lead to imbalanced power dynamics, where one person’s needs are perpetually suppressed.
Either way, keeping the boundaries of healthy interaction intact, or reciprocating when one is now the giver instead of the receiver, or just keeping things fair and respectful, becomes difficult. At a certain point the road can lead either to resentment, frustration or burnout.
Finding balance: how to cultivate healthy interdependence
Finding the balance between personal autonomy and interdependence can promote healthier relationships and improve our wellbeing. Try these strategies to help manage the extremes:
For hyper-independent individuals
Practice vulnerability: Start by sharing small thoughts and feelings with trusted people.
Allow others to help: Gradually accept assistance with minor tasks to build trust.
Therapeutic support: Consider working with a therapist in a professional setting could help you address underlying trauma or trust issues.
For codependent individuals
Set boundaries: Practice saying “no” and establish personal limits.
Develop self-worth: Engage in activities that promote self-discovery and self-esteem.
Therapeutic support: Consider therapy aimed at self-empowerment and boundary-setting. There are various treatment options and therapeutic modalities, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
General strategies for all
Mindfulness and self-reflection: Engage in mindfulness activities, such as meditation or journaling, to examine your emotions and triggers.
Support groups: Find a support group. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) groups or other peer support groups are a great place to start.
Looking ahead: developing healthy relationships
Both hyper – independence and codependency are caused by deeply felt emotional needs from our past, usually involving some kind of interpersonal trauma or living in an unhealthy environment.
Just noticing the patterns – and understanding where they came from – is the first step toward healing and building interdependent relationships. With consistent practice, you will develop healthy coping mechanisms that are not self-destructive and allow for healthier relationships to unfold in your life.
If you are hyper-independent, you might find yourself struggling to get close to other people and spending time with them. If you are too codependent, you might feel overwhelmed by other people’s problems.
Either way, the message is the same: it’s not about getting rid of these tendencies, it’s about finding the right place somewhere in between. As stated above, starting therapy is always helpful as being in a professional setting allows you to practice breaking from these patterns at a safe pace.
If any of the traits of hyper – independence or codependence described here speak to you, consult a professional who can help you get to the bottom of the problem and start the journey toward a more balanced life. Finding balance is possible, and with the right support, you can develop healthier ways of relating – to others and yourself.
Can you be hyper-independent and codependent? Additional resources and further reading
Here’s a collection of books and other resources to help you on your recover from hyper-independence or codependency:
- Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing, 1986.
- Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books, 2012.
- Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books, 1997.
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Understanding Codependency and How to Overcome It.
- Psychology Today: Hyper-Independence as a Trauma Response.
Important disclosures
Some of the links on this blog are affiliate links, meaning I may earn a small commission if you click and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services that align with this blog’s values and goals. Your support helps me continue sharing valuable psychology-related insights and resources. Thank you!
The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.