When people are exploring relationship dynamics, they often reach out with questions about the difference between anxious attachment and codependency. Anxious attachment features a particular pattern of behavior related to the way you formed bonds with relevant others during childhood and/or in early life, in particular, a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment, specifically within intimate relationships, and a strong desire for reassurance regarding partner availability, stability of attachment and/or rejection. Codependency, on the other hand, refers to a significant emotional dependency on another person for one’s self-soothing, worthiness and/or esteem, alongside a tendency to neglect personal needs and/or identity for oneself.
Defining anxious attachment
Anxious attachment is one of four adult attachment styles identified in attachment theory, the study of how our earliest interactions with caregivers influence our adult relationships. In addition to anxious attachment, there are two other insecure attachment styles explained in this theory: avoidant attachment style and disorganized attachment style. The remainder of the population (about 50%) develop secure attachments in their relationships.
As mentioned, people with an anxious style have an insecure attachment and are concerned that their partners won’t love them or be committed to them. This fear often stems from inconsistent caregiving in childhood, where affection was conditional or unpredictable, and can lead adults to be clingy or controlling in their romantic relationships, constantly seeking reassurance and affirmation from their partners.
According to the attachment theory, those with an anxious attachment style also often have very low self-esteem and feel they don’t deserve love and attention. In an attempt to compensate, they might try to be the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend, almost eliminating their own identity in the process. Their sense of self-worth may get tightly interwoven into their partner’s approval, and as a result they might become overly needy and demanding of reassurance.
This dynamic can create unhealthy behaviors and patterns, and the anxiously attached partner might start to feel even more insecure over time, leading to repeated requests for reassurance, which might become overwhelming.
Understanding codependency
On the other hand, there’s codependency. Codependent relationships are defined by an obsessive need to provide support and reassurance to another person, and to take responsibility for their emotional state. The codependent partner often puts the needs and desires of the other person before their own, to their detriment.
As a result of these unhealthy patterns, they often become emotionally drained and resentful. Their partner’s pain becomes a source of meaning for them, and they remain in the relationship out of desperation for the validation it brings them. Unlike the anxiously attached person, who fears abandonment, the codependent person craves the need to be needed.
Some common signs codependent individuals display are people-pleasing behaviors, and always going along with whatever their partner wants. They might avoid conflicts at any cost, even if their own needs and desires are not being met. They may feel responsible for making their partner’s life better, even to the extent of tolerating all sorts of bad behavior. They lack personal boundaries and a sense of identity due to a constant abandonment of their desires and needs.
The codependent person may also feel ashamed or guilty they starts putting themselves first. All of this leads to an imbalanced relationship: one person who has taken on too much, and the other who feels increasingly helpless.
A key difference between anxious attachment and codependency
Root causes
An anxious attachment style results from inconsistent childhood experiences with caregivers, while codependency often develops in response to dysfunctional family dynamics or trauma. Anxious attachment tends to develop when caregivers are unpredictable in their emotional availability, whereas codependency is often driven by a family environment in which love is contingent upon performance or caregiving roles. While not always the case, it is common that one or both of the caregivers have an addictive behavior, either to substances or other activities.
Behavioral patterns
The anxiously attached person behaves clingily, even possessively, out of a fear of abandonment; the codependent person behaves self-sacrificially, out of a desire to maintain the relationship by keeping a partner happy.
The dynamic can be dysfunctional when the anxiously attached person’s neediness confirms the codependent person’s sense of being needed.
Self-identity
For many anxiously attached people, a fluctuating sense of self-worth based on the relationship ensues; for the codependent, the sense of self disappears altogether because, over time, their thoughts and feelings become indistinguishable from those of the person to whom they are attached. The codependent can experience abandonment fears, yet often can’t voice what it is they want or need from someone, making them profoundly confused.
Emotional regulation
People with an anxious attachment style find it hard to regulate their emotions and can feel flooded by them. Meanwhile, codependents often deny or bury their true feelings to keep the peace in the relationship and avoid conflict and keep a sense of safety. Subsequently, they may find that their emotions boil up later on.
Levels of dependency
Anxious attachment involves being excessively dependent upon the partner for emotional regulation, while codependency involves a mutually reinforcing cycle of dependency where both partners are dependent on each other in unhealthy ways. This dynamic creates a toxic relationship where both individuals feel trapped in their roles.
Recognizing signs in relationships
Learning what anxious attachment and codependency look like can help you know when you’re doing it – and how to do something different.
Signs of anxious attachment
-Constantly seeking reassurance from a partner.
-Feeling insecure about the relationship’s stability.
-Overanalyzing a partner’s words and actions for signs of rejection.
-Difficulty trusting the partner’s commitment, leading to unnecessary conflict.
-A tendency to become overly preoccupied with the relationship.
Signs of codependency
-Prioritizing a partner’s needs over one’s own.
-Difficulty saying “no” or asserting boundaries.
-Feeling responsible for a partner’s happiness or emotional state.
-Avoiding personal needs or desires to maintain harmony in the relationship.
-A motivation derived from duty and from care, often care of the self at the expense of self-care.
Addressing anxious attachment
Breaking these attachment issues can improve relationships. Attachment-based therapy can be a helpful approach to understanding your attachment style, as well as learning new ways to respond to stress and distress. Things that can be helpful include practicing self-soothing, developing communication skills to be more assertive, and setting boundaries.
Mindfulness and self-awareness can be an important part of healing because, with knowledge of their triggers and patterns, they will be better equipped to cope with their anxieties. With the reassurance that friends can provide, or through therapy, people with anxious attachment can heal their attachment wounds, develop healthy attachments, and feel secure with their romantic partners while reducing their dependency on them.
Overcoming codependency
Codependency issues can be tackled only if a person is aware of the patterns driving their behavior, and aims to change those patterns to develop interdependent relationships. This is most easily done in a therapeutic setting that offers support to explore the issues. Some broad strategies include:
Develop your self-esteem
Self-worth that exists outside the relationship is a key component of codependency recovery. In this stage, you can begin to examine yourself, recognize your strengths, and take part in activities that promote autonomy and discovery.
Boundaries
Cultivating the ability to establish healthy boundaries and hold firm to what feels healthy and good, and also to respect others’ boundaries, can allow you to reclaim your identity and regain your sense of independence. Bearing witness: experiencing someone bearing witness to your pain or fear can take the edge off the experience for a moment. This can be done physically and verbally.
Treat yourself
While it might seem selfish to focus on one’s own needs when you’re in a relationship or have a family, it’s crucial to engage in hobbies, social activities and getting the right amount of rest. In other words, pursue your own interests and treat yourself.
Creating healthy relationships
Whether you see yourself as anxious or codependent (or somewhere in between as symptoms can overlap), you can work to improve your relationships and have healthier connections. Here are some of the basic steps:
Open communication
Expressing feelings and thoughts openly can increase emotional intimacy and mutual understanding between partners. Partners must not only share their feelings but also listen to each other. Open communication is one of the key components to having relationship satisfaction.
Try therapy
Individual or couples therapy can help to resolve some of the underlying relationship issues and improve the relationship. Therapy can offer new tools for both partners to better communicate their needs and to respond more effectively to their emotional reactions.
Identifying attachment styles
Understanding attachment styles can help us recognize partner behaviors and make sense of what we see. Developing an awareness of our own attachment style and that of our partners can build empathy and understanding between them.
It can help us identify our patterns and see how they are impacting on each other, and work towards healthier interactions.
Moreover, it is important to realise that healing from anxious attachment or codependency is a process.
With patience and dedication to personal development, it is possible to experience transformative shifts in the way an individual relates to others. As this process unfolds, more adaptive patterns of relating can be established, leading to more balanced, fulfilling, and secure relationships.
Final thoughts
It’s important to recognize the difference between anxious attachment and codependent behaviors because both are rooted in emotional dependence, but are based on different origins and present in different ways.
By becoming aware of these patterns, and doing the necessary work to become more self-aware, we can engage in healthy relationships based on our own values, where we can support each other and thrive together.
References
- “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
- “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie.
- Psych Central. (n.d.).: Understanding Codependency.
- Verywell Mind. (n.d.).: Anxious Attachment Style: Understanding the Signs and Effects
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