Disorganized attachment style, also known as disorganized / fearful-avoidant attachment, can deeply impact a person’s emotional well-being. This attachment style, often stemming from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving, creates a confusing push-and-pull dynamic in adult relationships. Those with disorganized attachment style might find themselves longing for closeness yet simultaneously fearing it, leading to internal conflict and strained connections.
However, healing and recovery are possible. As someone who developed an insecure attachment style, I can confidently say that delving into the world of attachment theory will take you on a journey of growth and healing like no other. Keep reading this article to learn how to heal disorganized attachment style by gaining insights and tools to set you on a path to secure and more fulfilling relationships.
Understanding disorganized attachment
What is disorganized attachment? Disorganized attachment often stems from early adverse experiences and childhood trauma. When caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear, children develop conflicting feelings about relationships. They rely on caregivers for survival while feeling unsafe around them, which can lead to disorganized attachment disorder.
People with this attachment style show a painful blend of anxious and avoidant tendencies. Unlike other attachment styles, which lean clearly toward seeking connection or avoiding it, those with fearful avoidant disorganized attachment display traits of the two other insecure styles.
Recognizing the signs of disorganized attachment is crucial for healing. Disorganized attachment style signs include:
- Unpredictable behavior in relationships
- Intense fear of abandonment coupled with difficulty trusting others
- Alternating between seeking closeness and pushing people away
- Difficulty regulating emotions
- Struggle with maintaining consistent relationships
Learn more about the origins and impact of disorganized attachment in our complete guide about attachment theory.
How to heal disorganized attachment: Practical tips and tools
While the disorganized attachment style is the most difficult to heal from all three insecure attachment styles, there is hope. The suggestions below are the starting point for how to heal fearful avoidant attachment and become more secure in your relationships:
Acknowledge the pattern
The first step in healing attachment issues is recognizing that you have a disorganized attachment style. It’s important to identify how this pattern manifests in your relationships and behaviors. Journaling about your feelings, reflecting on past experiences, or discussing your struggles with a trusted friend or therapist can provide valuable insights.
Journaling became a way for me to uncover hidden fears and patterns in my insecure attachment. As I documented my thoughts and emotions, I began to notice how deeply my childhood experiences influenced my adult relationships. This awareness was both humbling and empowering; it became my foundation for change.
Seek professional support
Therapy is a powerful tool for addressing disorganized attachment in adults. A therapist specializing in attachment theory can help you explore the roots of your attachment style and provide guidance on building healthier relational patterns.
Several therapeutic approaches are particularly effective for how to treat disorganized attachment:
- Trauma-Focused Therapy: Methods like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or somatic experiencing can help process unresolved trauma, reducing its hold on your emotional responses.
- Attachment-based therapy focuses on understanding and reshaping attachment patterns, fostering secure connections in therapy and beyond.
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy can help address negative thought patterns and behaviors associated with disorganized attachment.
- Psychodynamic therapy explores unconscious processes and past experiences that influence current relationship patterns.
Finding a therapist who understands attachment theory is crucial. Building trust may take time, but a supportive therapeutic relationship can be transformative in disorganized attachment healing.
Practice self-awareness and emotional regulation
Healing disorganized attachment requires developing self-awareness as well as learning to regulate your nervous system. Start by identifying your disorganized attachment triggers—situations or behaviors that evoke fear, anger, or withdrawal. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or grounding exercises, can help you stay present and manage overwhelming emotions.
I keep daily somatic practices that help me come back to the present moment. Through my senses (mainly sight and hearing) I ground myself multiple times a day. Regular practice is key to self-regulation, but this, along with developing self-awareness through the work I’ve done with my therapist, has made the biggest impact on overcoming my attachment-related struggles.
Build healthy relationships
Surrounding yourself with a supportive network is essential for healing disorganized attachment style in adults. While it may feel daunting, gradually becoming more vulnerable and building trust with others can foster secure relationships.
Start by stating your needs openly and establishing healthy boundaries. This can be as simple as saying, “I need a moment to process my feelings” during a disagreement. Additionally, focus on relationships where mutual respect and empathy are present, as these provide a safe space to practice new behaviors and improve communication skills.
Inner child work
Attachment wounds are usually rooted in childhood experiences, making inner child work a valuable healing practice. This involves reconnecting with and nurturing the younger version of yourself who experienced fear or neglect. That little girl (or boy) still lives within you, and although it may be difficult to have access to her initially, doing inner child work can be healing.
Techniques such as visualization, writing letters to your younger self, or guided meditations can help address unresolved pain and facilitate trauma processing. Imagine comforting your inner child after a disagreement, reminding them they are safe and loved.
Develop a secure attachment with yourself
Healing disorganized attachment isn’t solely about improving external relationships; it’s also about building a secure bond with yourself. This involves cultivating self-compassion, recognizing your inherent worth, and treating yourself with kindness.
Engage in practices that reinforce self-worth, such as affirmations or self-care routines. For example, affirming statements like “I am deserving of love and connection” can gradually shift negative self-perceptions and internal working models.
Overcoming common challenges in the healing process
Dealing with setbacks
Healing is rarely a linear process. It’s normal to encounter setbacks or moments when old patterns resurface. Instead of viewing these as failures, reframe them as opportunities to learn and grow. As mentioned above, keeping a journal or seeking support from a therapist can help you navigate difficult times with resilience.
Managing relationship conflicts
Conflicts can be especially challenging for those with disorganized attachment style. Approaching disagreements with empathy and clarity is key. Practice active listening—focusing on understanding your partner’s perspective before responding—and use “I” statements to express your feelings.
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when my concerns aren’t acknowledged.” This reduces defensiveness and encourages constructive dialogue, helping to overcome trust issues and improve interpersonal relationships.
Avoiding overdependence on others
While building connections is important, it’s equally crucial to maintain a sense of self-reliance. It’s common for people with disorganized attachment to develop codependent and people-pleasing behaviors as defense mechanisms. Become aware of these patterns and strive for interdependence, where you can rely on others while also meeting your own emotional needs. Recognizing when you’re seeking external validation can help you cultivate healthier, more balanced relationships.
Personal reflection and lessons learned
Reflecting on my healing journey, one moment stands out: the day I realized that vulnerability wasn’t a weakness but a strength. Sharing my fears with a trusted friend felt terrifying, but their empathy and support reminded me that having real connections is worth the risk.
Healing attachment styles has taught me patience, self-compassion, and the value of perseverance. While the journey is ongoing, each step forward brings a greater sense of peace and connection. By acknowledging your patterns, seeking support, and practicing self-awareness, you can break free from the cycle of fear and mistrust.
Remember, healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about learning to trust and love yourself and others in a safe and fulfilling way. If you feel overwhelmed, take it one step at a time. Change is possible, and with effort and support, you can create the secure, meaningful relationships you deserve.
Learning how to overcome disorganized attachment is a challenging but rewarding process. By understanding your attachment style, seeking professional help, practicing self-awareness, and building healthy relationships, you can gradually move towards a more secure attachment style. Remember that healing is a journey (I still have to remind myself about this daily!), and with patience and persistence, you can transform your relationships and your life.
References
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
- Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking.
- Dana, D. (2018). Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
- Heller, L., & Lapierre, A. (2012). Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
Important disclosures
Some of the links on this blog are affiliate links, meaning I may earn a small commission if you click and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services that align with this blog’s values and goals. Your support helps me continue sharing valuable psychology-related insights and resources. Thank you!
The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.