When people first learn about attachment theory, the main focus tends to lie on improving their romantic relationships. However, our attachment style impacts every (close) relationship in our lives, including friendships. As someone who’s struggled with many of the common triggers associated with an anxious attachment style, I thought it was important to also address how these traits might impact the relationships we keep with our friends. That’s why, in today’s article, we’ll delve into what it looks like to have an anxious attachment in friendships:
What are some of the most common triggers for anxiously attached people?
What are some signs to look out for?
How can someone with an anxious attachment style move toward feeling more secure in their friendships?
Keep reading to learn the answer to these (and many other) questions.
Quick overview of the four main attachment styles
Attachment theory is a psychological framework initially developed in the late 1960s by British psychologist John Bowlby (Bowlby, Attachment and Loss, 1969). The theory explains the strong correlation between the bond a child develops with their caregivers (usually, their parents) early in life and their ability to form relationships in their adult years.
Based on the research conducted, Bowlby identified three primary forms of attachment: secure, avoidant (dismissive), and anxious (preoccupied). A fourth one, known as disorganized (fearful-avoidant), was later added.
Here’s a basic description for each attachment style:
- Secure: Children were brought up in an environment where caregivers were present, consistent, and provided a sense of safety.
- Anxious (Preoccupied): This type of attachment typically develops when caregivers fail to provide consistent, predictable attention and care.
- Avoidant (Dismissive): People with avoidant attachment usually grew up with caregivers who were emotionally absent or overly critical.
- Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant): Those who grew up in an environment that was unsafe or experienced trauma early on may develop a disorganized attachment style.
I have an entire article devoted to explaining all four attachment styles and how each one impacts adult relationships. I highly recommend reading this blog post first if you’re just learning about attachment theory.
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How anxious attachment shows up in friendships
Just as romantic relationships can trigger insecure feelings in someone who’s anxiously attached, close friendships may also do the same. While not all of these traits apply to every single person, those with an anxious orientation will probably recognize some of them in their interactions with friends:
1. Deep fear of abandonment or rejection
Because of the inconsistent care and affection received during their childhood years, anxiously attached people might fear being rejected by their friends. That they’ll be left out, abandoned, or that, deep down, their friends might actually not like them.
2. Need for reassurance
This has been a common trait for me, one that I’m still working on today. But, because of that fear of rejection, people with a preoccupied attachment style might often check in with their friends to make sure they’re not upset with them, or that something they said or did (or didn’t say or do) didn’t rub them the wrong way. Ultimately, the goal is to make sure their friends are not going anywhere.
It’s also common to overthink interactions… to the point of exhaustion sometimes.
Has it ever happened to you that you talk to a friend and then you replay your entire conversation to see if you said anything that might offend or hurt their feelings? That’s a sign of someone who has an anxious orientation and may also struggle with social anxiety.
3. Difficulty saying “no”
This goes deeper than attachment, and I may write more about people-pleasing/codependent traits in a future article, but anxiously attached individuals often struggle setting boundaries, saying “no” to their friends’ requests out of fear they might disappoint them or that their friendship might end as a result of them saying “no”.
4. Hypervigilance
There’s a chance you might be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and very attuned to everyone’s moods, including those of your friends.
It’s easy for me to tell when someone might be upset, even when they say they’re fine. But being attuned and lacking personal boundaries can come at the expense of constantly being hypervigilant about other people’s moods and behaviors, as if trying to catch what’s wrong and whether you’ve said or done something wrong.
See the pattern? Many traits are intertwined.
But, spoiler alert, most times, their mood or behavior has nothing to do with you.
5. Jealousy
Lastly, it’s common for some anxiously attached individuals to feel jealous about their friend’s other friends. There’s a fear that creeps in about being replaced by them and losing the friendship they had.
Common struggles of anxious attachment in friendships
Having these traits manifest in close relationships comes with certain struggles for those having an anxiously attached orientation.
Feeling stressed about getting closer to a friend is one of them. Questions like: what if (s)he doesn’t like me enough? What if I speak up and (s)he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore? Can send someone with an anxious attachment style spiraling down very quickly.
If the friend has an avoidant attachment style, it could also create friction due to a pull-push dynamic, where one craves closeness and more time together, and the other needs more distance and independence. This, in turn, could lead to that friend ending up pulling away and fulfilling the anxiously attached person’s prophecy.
The impact on friendship dynamics
Having an anxious attachment in friendships can have a direct impact on the dynamics if left unchecked. Some friends might find the constant need for reassurance exhausting, especially if they have an avoidant attachment style.
It might lead to arguments that could’ve otherwise been prevented had both ends communicated and understood their needs.
But not all is lost. Don’t think of having an anxious attachment style as a curse…
Healing anxious attachment for healthier friendships
There’s good news, my friend. Your primary attachment style is not set in stone.
Moving toward a more secure orientation is possible. It takes self-awareness, hard work, and, most times, therapy (Levine & Heller, Attached, 2010). But it’s possible to build healthier relationships with yourself and your friends.
I highly recommend reading some books on attachment theory to become more familiar with the topic and your predominant attachment style. An attachment theory-informed therapist can also help you identify your particular triggers and navigate your struggles in a safe space.
For me personally, working with my body, along with the knowledge and understanding my therapist provided, was also key. It’s our body that stores our unprocessed emotions, and being able to come to my body, be present, and grounded has been essential in my recovery.
Learning about mindfulness meditation and/or somatic therapy could be of help if you’re starting this journey toward more secure relationships.
How friends can support someone with anxious attachment
And if your friendships really matter to you (which, let’s be honest, we know they do or else you wouldn’t be reading this article), having open and honest conversations with them is key. Share your triggers with them, and explain to them what’s important to you to feel safe in the friendship.
Also, be willing to listen to what they have to say and what’s important to them.
If you’re the friend who’s looking for tips on how to support someone with an anxious attachment, know that consistency is key. Be consistent with your communication, and explicitly express your care and appreciation.
It doesn’t mean you have to do it 24/7. An anxiously attached person doesn’t expect you to do it ALL the time. It’s not realistic. But consistency is key. Set the expectations with your friend of what feels reasonable to you, and establish clear boundaries. Your well-being matters just as much as that of your friends.
Final thoughts: Cultivating balance and security in friendships
Having an anxious attachment in friendships can come with some challenges, but you are not doomed. You deserve to have fulfilling, nourishing connections with your friends.
By recognizing your patterns, practicing self-awareness, and seeking out supportive practices like therapy, mindfulness, or somatic work, you can gradually move toward a more secure attachment. Change takes time, but it is absolutely possible.
Friendships built on openness, honesty, and mutual respect can flourish, even if you’ve struggled with anxiety around closeness in the past. And if you’re the friend of someone who has an anxious attachment style, consistency and clear communication go a long way in strengthening your bond.
Remember, attachment isn’t fixed. With compassion for yourself and your friends, you can cultivate balance, trust, and security in your relationships. That first step you just took—wanting to understand your patterns—is already proof you’re on the path to healthier friendships.
Resources & Further reading
- American Psychological Association. (2020). Understanding psychotherapy and how it works.
- Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. New York: Other Press.
- Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154.
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
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Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2016). Attachment disorganization: Genetic factors, parenting contexts, and developmental transformation from infancy to adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3rd ed.).
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The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.