Attachment styles and relationships: A comprehensive guide

Learning about attachment theory might be one of the most important things you do in your life to heal childhood wounds and develop healthier relationships as an adult. When I first learned about it back in 2017, it set me on a trajectory of self-discovery, healing, and growth that I never believed to be possible. That’s why I’m thrilled you’ve landed here and are curious to know about attachment styles and relationships.

Whether you’re just taking your first steps in your healing journey or you’ve been on this path for some time, the following article aims to equip you with as much information as possible to dive deeper into attachment theory. So, buckle up as there’s a lot to unpack in the following sections!

Introduction to attachment styles

Definition and overview of attachment theory

The concept of attachment theory was first coined in the 1950s by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. While treating children with emotional and behavioral difficulties, he started noticing consistent patterns: many of these kids had been raised in households where rearing was inconsistent or lacked nurturing.

It was then, through research, clinical observation, and theoretical study that Bowlby developed his theory.

Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explains how the bonds we create with our caregivers (usually our parents) shape how we connect and relate to others in adulthood, especially in close relationships such as romantic ones or friendships. In his groundbreaking book Attachment and Loss (1969), British psychiatrist John Bowlby described how these early interactions influence our ability to trust, seek connection, handle conflict, and feel secure in our relationships.

In his initial studies, Bowlby identified three main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. A fourth style known as disorganized or fearful-avoidant was added later on as part of various trauma studies and research conducted by Mary Main and Judith Solomon.

Each attachment style is developed based on the type of caregiving the child receives during their early years. We’ll get to explaining the characteristics of each shortly.

In the 1970s, Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s research by conducting a famous experiment known as Strange Situation where she observed how infants reacted to their caregivers (usually their mother) leaving the room with a stranger and then coming back. You can see the experiment here:

These early findings sparked decades of research that followed and, over time, attachment theory became a key lens through which psychologists and therapists understood how we develop and maintain close relationships.

But, what led John Bowlby to conduct this research among the children he was treating? For that, it’s important to understand the historical context in which the British psychologist developed his theory.

Historical context of attachment theory

Bowlby’s observations came at a key historical time. He started shaping what would later become his attachment theory in the aftermath of World War II (WWII). This was a time when many children had been separated from their families. Some were placed in orphanages, others in institutions and some even had to take care of their own. The impacts of the war were long-lasting for them and went beyond simply missing their parents or siblings.

Most of the psychological research conducted up until that point had been heavily influenced by behaviorism (B.F. Skinner) and/or psychoanalysis (S. Freud). What this means is that emotional development was seen as either unconscious drives or behaviors developed through reward/punishment.

However, when John Bowlby started observing these children, he realized that the reason some children were showing emotional and behavioral difficulties had to do with a break in their emotional bond with their caregivers. Due to the circumstances at the time, greater importance was given to physical well-being and Bowlby challenged this by stating that emotional bonds with caregivers not only were important for the well-being of the child, but they were essential to their healthy development.

His ideas started to get traction and, in the 1950s, the World Health Organization (WHO) requested that he write a report on the mental health of children who were homeless or had become orphans after the war. Maternal Care and Mental Health (1951) became pivotal in the theory he had established around attachment.

Now that you know a bit more about how attachment theory came about, let’s go over the four attachment styles.

The four attachment styles in detail

Secure attachment style

A secure attachment style is the foundation for healthy relationships in adulthood. Secure people generally have high self-esteem and trust in others, thanks to caregivers who consistently met their emotional and physical needs during childhood (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).

Secure individuals are comfortable with intimacy and independence in romantic relationships and tend to have long-lasting and stable relationships. They handle conflict constructively, openly share their feelings, and reassure their partners without feeling overwhelmed. A securely attached person might calmly address a disagreement and seek a resolution without fearing rejection or becoming defensive.

Some of the traits common among securely attached people are:

Comfortable with emotional closeness and intimacy.
Strong self-esteem and independence.
Open and honest in communication.
Resilient during conflicts, maintaining a balanced perspective.

Anxious attachment style

Anxiously attached individuals often struggle with fears of abandonment and rejection, stemming from inconsistent caregiving. They tend to doubt their worth and require frequent validation from others to feel secure (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

These individuals may appear clingy or overly dependent on their partners in romantic relationships. They often interpret neutral behaviors —like a delayed text response— as rejection. A partner who doesn’t immediately reassure them can trigger heightened levels of anxiety and overcompensation, potentially leading to codependent patterns of behavior.

These are some of the most common traits among anxiously attached individuals:

Fear of abandonment and rejection.
Intense need for validation and reassurance.
Sensitivity to perceived changes in a partner’s behavior.
Tendency to overthink and catastrophize relational scenarios.

Avoidant attachment style (Dismissive)

The avoidant style develops in response to caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive of the child’s needs. To cope, these individuals learn to suppress their emotions and prioritize their sense of independence (Brennan et al., 1998).

In romantic relationships, avoidant individuals often keep their partners at arm’s length, avoiding emotional vulnerability. For instance, they may change the subject or withdraw when conversations become emotionally charged, leading to frustration in their partners.

These are some of the traits people with an avoidant attachment style display in close relationships:

High value placed on independence and self-reliance.
Reluctance to express emotions or rely on others.
Discomfort with vulnerability and intimacy.

Disorganized attachment style (Fearful-avoidant)

Disorganized attachment, often linked to trauma, is the most complex and contradictory style. It usually develops when caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear, creating confusion in the child (Main & Solomon, 1990). This style combines conflicting traits of anxious and avoidant behaviors.

In romantic relationships, adults with this style may show inconsistent behavior, vacillating between craving closeness and pushing it away. They often exhibit erratic behaviors, like initiating intimacy but withdrawing suddenly due to fear of rejection. This can create a turbulent relationship dynamic.

People with a disorganized attachment style often have these traits:

A blend of anxious and avoidant traits.
A deep fear of abandonment and rejection combined with a fear of intimacy.
Unpredictable and contradictory behaviors in relationships.
A history of trauma or unresolved childhood conflicts.

Attachment styles and relationships: A delicate dance

Understanding your attachment style (and that of your partner/close friend) is essential to better navigating close relationships.

Each one of us approaches relationships with different triggers and fears from our past. When you understand what those triggers might be in your case, whether that is your tendency to pull away when things start to get serious or cling too much when your partner doesn’t reply to your text message in five minutes, you learn to make better choices for yourself and others.

It also helps to understand why you might attract a certain type of person or why your partner communicates (or doesn’t!) the way it does. Ultimately, learning about attachment styles can help you work toward more secure relationships with your partner and close friends.

Compatibility of different attachment styles

You now might be wondering, well, I think I have an anxious attachment style… Does that mean I’m doomed and I’ll never find a partner? Some attachment styles complement each other more naturally whereas others might cause some friction. But this doesn’t mean you’re doomed! I firmly believe that with knowledge, awareness, and consistent work, everyone can move toward more secure relationships!

Generally speaking, relationships tend to be more balanced and satisfying when at least one person is securely attached. As previously explained, those with a secure attachment feel more emotionally safe in relationships and can offer stability to those with an insecure attachment style. They feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.

So, an anxious person who constantly worries about being abandoned might begin to feel more secure when dating someone who consistently shows up and communicates clearly. Similarly, an avoidant person might find it easier to open up and trust when they’re not being pressured or judged.

When two people with an insecure attachment attract each other

It’s common for people with different attachment styles to be attracted to one another. I have an entire article dedicated to why anxious and avoidant individuals are so drawn to each other initially. However, they’re also very triggered once they get closer to each other.

The anxious partner seeks closeness, while the avoidant partner needs space. This can create a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal that leaves both people feeling misunderstood and emotionally exhausted.

People with a disorganized attachment style often experience internal push-pull dynamics even within themselves, so in relationships, they can struggle with both craving intimacy and fearing it. Without self-awareness, these dynamics can become chaotic and painful.

That said, no attachment style is a life sentence. Just because a dynamic is difficult doesn’t mean it’s unworkable. With open communication, therapeutic support, and a shared commitment to healing, even the most mismatched pairings can evolve into conscious, connected partnerships. Compatibility isn’t just about how well your wounds fit together, it’s about how you support each other in tending to them.

Identifying your partner’s attachment style

Understanding your partner’s attachment style can be incredibly eye-opening. It can help explain specific patterns or reactions that might have felt confusing, frustrating, or personal.

But unlike love languages or personality types, attachment styles often show up in more subtle ways: through tone, timing, body language, or how someone responds under stress.

The goal of identifying your partner’s attachment style is not to label or “diagnose” them (there isn’t such a thing as an attachment style diagnosis in the DSM-5 anyway!). It’s about bringing more awareness and compassion into how you relate to each other, especially if your attachment styles are very different.

Signs and behaviors

Attachment styles often reveal themselves over time, especially as emotional intimacy deepens.

People with an anxious style might frequently seek reassurance, worry about where they stand in the relationship, or interpret distance as a sign of rejection. They may text often, feel uneasy during communication gaps, or have a strong fear of abandonment, even when things are going well.

Avoidant partners, on the other hand, often value their independence and might need space when things start to feel emotionally intense. They might downplay their feelings, shut down during conflict, or feel overwhelmed by too much closeness.

A disorganized attachment style can be the trickiest to spot. These partners often experience an internal push-pull: they want connection but fear it at the same time. They may shift between anxious and avoidant behaviors, especially when triggered. You might notice sudden emotional shifts, mixed signals, or a pattern of sabotaging closeness just when things seem to be deepening.

That said, no one fits neatly into a box. Behaviors can overlap, and people often shift based on the relationship, life stage, or healing work they’ve done.

Discussing attachment styles with your partner

Bringing up attachment styles with your partner can feel a little intimidating, especially if it’s new territory for both of you. The key is to approach it with curiosity rather than critique.

Instead of saying, “I think you’re avoidant and that’s why you pull away,” you might try, “I’ve been learning about attachment styles, and it’s helped me understand my own patterns. I’d love to explore this together and see how it shows up for both of us.”

Keep it gentle and non-blaming. It’s not about pointing fingers, it’s about making sense of your dynamic in a way that fosters empathy. You can share your own discoveries first, which often invites your partner to do the same. And if they’re not ready or open to it yet, that’s okay too. Sometimes just planting the seed is enough to spark future growth.

In the end, these conversations are really about building a deeper, safer connection—one rooted in mutual understanding and emotional honesty.

Healing attachment wounds

Healing attachment wounds isn’t a quick fix, it’s a layered process that requires presence, compassion, and often, professional support. These wounds were typically formed in early relational dynamics where we didn’t feel seen, safe, or soothed, and they tend to resurface in adult relationships, especially when intimacy is involved. The good news? With intention and the right tools, they can be healed. Here’s how you can start.

Getting support

One of the most transformative things you can do when working on attachment wounds is to seek support from a therapist, coach, or healing practitioner who’s trauma-informed and has experience with attachment theory.

A safe therapeutic relationship can offer a kind of “re-parenting” experience, one where you feel consistently seen, heard, and held. This consistency helps your nervous system learn that developing a secure connection is possible.

You don’t have to do this alone. For many people (myself included), healing began when they were able to sit across from someone who wasn’t emotionally reactive, who didn’t try to fix or abandon them, and who stayed present through difficult emotions.

Whether it’s EMDR, somatic therapy, inner child work, or parts work, there are so many modalities that can support this journey, and it’s okay to try different ones until you find what fits.

If you’re just starting out and feeling overwhelmed, I put together a blog post with the best books on attachment theory for beginners to help you get grounded before diving deeper.

Other practices

In addition to professional support, your own daily practices matter… A LOT.

Over time, I’ve learned that healing is more about being consistent with your daily practices than having an amazing breakthrough (although those happen sometimes, too!). Journaling can help you track patterns and bring awareness to your triggers. Meditation and mindfulness help regulate your nervous system so you can respond to stress differently. Breathwork, movement, and even things like EFT (tapping) can help process stuck emotional energy.

Spiritual tools can also be incredibly grounding. For some, this means connecting to a higher power, using affirmations, or simply spending time in nature. For me, it’s about being mindful and being consistent with my meditation practice and journaling.

What’s important is that you find what resonates, not what someone else tells you is “the best” or “the right” way.

Healing is deeply personal. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s building enough self-trust and capacity to navigate intimacy without betraying yourself.

Developing secure attachment in relationships

While our early experiences shape our attachment style, they don’t have to define it forever. One of the most empowering parts of this work is realizing that secure attachment can be developed, even if we didn’t grow up with it. It’s something we build, moment by moment, through awareness, intention, and practice.

This part of the journey is about integrating what we’ve learned into how we show up in connection, especially when things get messy, vulnerable, or uncertain.

Strategies for cultivating secure attachments: Building trust and security

The foundation of secure attachment is trust, not just in the other person, but also in yourself.

Building that kind of security starts with being consistent, reliable, and emotionally available, not only with your partner but with your own feelings. Can you honor your needs without abandoning yourself? Can you stay present when discomfort arises?

Small, repeated actions go a long way. Responding to your partner’s bids for attention, checking in after a hard conversation, and following through on your word, all of these things reinforce a sense of safety.

And if you notice you’re shutting down or getting anxious? That’s not a failure; it’s information. A secure relationship doesn’t mean never getting triggered, it means being able to come back together with honesty, care, and repair.

Developing effective communication

Communication is more than just exchanging words, it’s about being seen and heard, and offering the same in return. If you grew up in an environment where your emotions were dismissed or punished, it might feel unsafe to express your needs or set boundaries. But learning to name your feelings, share your needs, and ask for reassurance without shame is part of healing.

Effective communication in securely attached relationships involves both speaking and listening. It means validating your partner’s experience, even when you don’t fully understand it. It means not rushing in to fix or defend, but rather being willing to sit with discomfort together.

One helpful practice? Using “I” statements: “I feel anxious when we go long periods without checking in. Can we talk about that?” It opens the door to connection instead of putting the other person on the defense.

Conflict resolution strategies

It took me a long time to realize what I’m about to say: Conflict isn’t the enemy of secure attachment, avoidance is.

How we move through conflict tells us so much about the health of a relationship. Do you shut down? Lash out? Pretend everything’s fine until it explodes? These are understandable survival strategies, often rooted in childhood. But secure attachment invites us to stay in connection, even when it’s hard.

Repair is everything. It’s not about always saying the perfect thing or never making mistakes. It’s about being willing to come back, own your part, and rebuild trust.

This might look like saying, “I got reactive earlier, and I’m sorry. I want to understand what was going on for you.” It might mean taking a break to regulate your nervous system before continuing a tough conversation. When both people are committed to repair—not blame or punishment—it creates a foundation where conflict becomes an opportunity for deeper understanding.

Signs of secure attachment in relationships

So how do you know when you’re moving toward secure attachment? The signs often feel simple, but if you’ve lived in survival mode, they can feel revolutionary.

You feel safe expressing your thoughts and emotions without fear of abandonment.
There’s consistency in how you and your partner show up for each other.
You can navigate conflict with respect and care, and return to connection after rupture.
You feel comfortable with both closeness and space, trusting that the relationship isn’t threatened by temporary distance.
You know your needs matter, and you’re not afraid to voice them.
There’s a mutual sense of support, respect, and encouragement.

Secure attachment isn’t about never getting triggered or always being calm. It’s about resilience. It’s about the ability to self-regulate and co-regulate. To trust that love doesn’t have to be earned through over-functioning, silence, or self-abandonment.

And most importantly, it’s about coming home to yourself, so that connection with another becomes a choice, not a survival need.

Final thoughts on attachment styles and relationships

We’ve covered A LOT in this article. But before we wrap up, there are a couple of things I’d like to part with as a reminder when you start healing your attachment orientation.

Importance of self-awareness and growth

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself or your partner, it’s about developing compassion. When you recognize your patterns, especially the ones that show up in moments of stress or intimacy, you create the opportunity to shift them. And that’s where real growth begins.

This work can be challenging at times. But the more self-aware you become, the less power those unconscious patterns have over your relationships. You move from reacting to choosing. From protecting to connecting. From fear to intimacy.

How to start healing today

As you might’ve noticed, I’ve emphasized time and time again that healing doesn’t happen overnight. When it comes to attachment styles and relationships, you don’t have to have everything figured out today. Heck! I’ve been on this journey since 2017, and there are things I still haven’t figured out!

It all begins with one small, intentional step. Maybe that means being honest with yourself about how you show up in relationships. Maybe it’s initiating a vulnerable conversation. Maybe it’s reaching out to a therapist or starting with a book that resonates.

Whatever your starting point is, let it be enough.

You’re not broken for struggling with relationships. You’re human. And healing is possible, not because you’re fixing something, but because you’re returning to who you really are underneath the defenses.

Resources: More about attachment styles and relationships

Bowlby, J. Attachment and Loss. Basic Books, 1969.
Ainsworth, M. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation.
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process.
Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-Report Measurement of Adult Attachment.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for Identifying Disorganized/Disoriented Infants.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change.
Attachment Style Questionnaire – Psychology Tools
Experiences in Close Relationships Scale

Important disclosures

Some of the links on this blog are affiliate links, meaning I may earn a small commission if you click and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services that align with this blog’s values and goals. Your support helps me continue sharing valuable psychology-related insights and resources. Thank you!

The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.