How attachment styles affect early dating

If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over why one date felt effortless while another left you spiraling in self-doubt, you’re not alone. Early dating can feel like a rollercoaster… thrilling, confusing, and sometimes downright exhausting. I’m sure you can relate.

The good news? Attachment theory offers a framework to help make sense of these ups and downs.

Developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the late 1960s, attachment theory explains how the bonds we form with our caregivers in childhood shape our expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. By understanding your own attachment style, you can approach dating with more clarity, compassion, and choice.

In this article, we’ll explore how attachment styles affect early dating and what to do if you have an insecure attachment style to make the process of getting to know someone less painful and more enjoyable.

What are attachment styles?

A beginner-friendly definition

Attachment styles are patterns of relating formed in childhood that influence how we connect with others in adult relationships.

The four main styles are:

• Secure: Comfortable with closeness, trusting, and balanced in relationships.

• Anxious (Preoccupied): Craves closeness but often fears rejection or abandonment.

• Avoidant (Dismissive): Values independence, tends to withdraw when things get too close.

• Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant): A push-pull mix, both craving closeness and fearing it.

Why they matter in relationships

These styles shape how we text, flirt, set boundaries, and interpret signals in the early stages of dating.

They influence how quickly we attach, how we respond to uncertainty, and whether we feel safe or constantly on edge.

Recognizing your attachment style is the first step toward breaking unhelpful patterns and creating healthier ones.

I have an article where I thoroughly cover how each attachment style shows up in close relationships, if you’d like to go deeper into the origins of attachment theory.

How attachment styles affect early dating

Secure attachment

Someone with secure attachment tends to enjoy the early dating phase at a comfortable pace. They balance excitement with grounded expectations, communicate openly, and aren’t easily thrown off by uncertainty.

Anxious attachment

For the anxiously attached, early dating can feel like walking on eggshells. They might overanalyze texts, worry about rejection, or rush into intimacy to secure connection. The fear of “losing” someone before things have even begun often drives their behavior.

Avoidant attachment

Avoidant daters may initially pursue connection but start to retreat when intimacy builds. They can give mixed signals (warmth one moment, distance the next ) as a way to protect their independence and manage discomfort with closeness.

Disorganized attachment

Those with disorganized attachment often experience a push-pull dynamic. They crave deep intimacy yet fear being hurt, which can lead to unpredictable patterns of pursuit and withdrawal.

The science behind attachment and attraction

Why opposites often attract

Psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, in their book Attached, describe the common “anxious-avoidant trap.” Anxious partners chase closeness, avoidants crave distance, and together they create a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal that feels oddly magnetic, even though it can be draining.

If you’re someone with anxious attachment, dating someone with an avoidant one (or vice versa), I highly suggest that you read my article on why those with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are so drawn to each other.

Brain chemistry in early dating (dopamine, oxytocin, uncertainty fueling attraction)

Here’s where science and psychology intersect. It’s super interesting!

As Stan Tatkin explains in Wired for Dating, in early romance, our brains are flooded with neurochemicals that heighten attraction:

• Dopamine: The reward chemical that spikes with novelty, making new connections feel exhilarating.

• Oxytocin: The bonding hormone released through touch and closeness, which can quickly deepen attachment.

• Uncertainty: Ironically, the unpredictability of early dating can intensify desire. When affection feels inconsistent, the brain often mistakes that anxiety for attraction.

Tatkin emphasizes that, while chemistry feels powerful, it’s not always an indicator of compatibility. Recognizing how your brain and attachment style interact helps you slow down, choose partners more wisely, and distinguish between intense feelings and genuine intimacy.

After finishing Attached, this was the second book my therapist recommended that I read. Combining psychology with neurobiology provides a better picture of why we behave the way we do when we begin dating someone. Highly recommend it!

Research-backed insights

Hazan and Shaver’s (1987) groundbreaking study connected adult romantic love with attachment styles, confirming that early bonds shape adult relationships. More recent research continues to show how attachment predicts not only dating patterns but also long-term satisfaction and conflict resolution styles.

How to use attachment awareness while dating

Practical first steps

• Reflect on your dating history and notice recurring patterns.

• Journal after dates: What felt good? What triggered insecurity?

• Share your reflections with a trusted friend or therapist for perspective.

Grounding & self-regulation tools

• Practice mindfulness or breathwork before and after dates to stay centered.

• Slow the pace. Remind yourself that intimacy doesn’t need to be rushed.

• Notice your triggers and pause before reacting impulsively.

Need more support? Read this article where I share more tools to help you move toward a more secure attachment.

Healthy communication from the start

Communicate your needs gradually and with honesty. Listen actively to your partner’s needs, too.

Early conversations set the tone for mutual respect and emotional safety.

Tips to create healthier early dating experiences

If you have an anxious attachment

• Practice patience, don’t let fear drive you to move too fast.

• Keep perspective: one delayed text isn’t necessarily rejection.

• Cultivate self-soothing rituals instead of looking for constant reassurance.

If you have avoidant attachment

• Notice when you’re withdrawing and gently challenge yourself to lean in.

• Share something vulnerable, even in small steps.

• Remember: independence and intimacy can coexist.

If you have a disorganized attachment

• Acknowledge your fears and desires without judgment.

• Seek steady, consistent partners who help you regulate rather than amplify chaos.

• Consider professional support to untangle trauma-driven patterns.

If you’re secure

• Model stability and healthy communication.

• Be mindful of boundaries: supporting an insecure partner is valuable, but not at the expense of your own well-being.

When to seek support

Working with a therapist or coach

Attachment-informed therapy provides tools to identify patterns, regulate emotions, and rewire old responses. Whether CBT, somatic therapy, or relational coaching, professional support can accelerate healing.

I’m a big proponent of working with a professional to help you 1) gain awareness and understanding, and 2) untangle the limitations your attachment orientation might be unconsciously “imposing” in your dating life.

If you can’t afford therapy right now, reading some books on attachment theory could be a good way to get started in your healing journey.

Red flags to watch for

While I think it’s important to work through one’s limitations, I also think there’s a time when walking away from a potential partner might be the best course of action.

These are some of the signs you should watch out for to consider whether the person you’re dating is worth the effort:

• Persistent anxiety that overshadows enjoyment: While some initial anxiety is normal, if it becomes the norm in your relationships, you should think about why this is happening and whether the relationship is worth the constant anxiety.

• Avoidance is so strong that it blocks intimacy: If the partner you’re dating constantly keeps you at arm’s length and you don’t see any improvement/progress being made over time, maybe this isn’t the right partner for you.

• Any dynamic that feels unsafe or consistently draining: It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway… No relationship should make you feel unsafe or in danger.

Final reflections

Early dating doesn’t have to feel like a mystery you can’t solve. By understanding your attachment style, you gain clarity on why certain situations trigger you… and what you can do about it.

Awareness is the first step. With practice, self-compassion, and sometimes professional support, you can move toward a more secure way of connecting. That shift not only transforms your dating life but also lays the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

FAQs

Can attachment styles change over time?
Yes. With self-awareness, therapy, and healthier relationships, people can move toward a more secure attachment style.

What is the most common attachment style in dating?
Research suggests secure attachment is the most common overall, though dating apps and fast-paced modern dating often amplify anxious-avoidant dynamics.

How do I know if my attachment style is affecting my dating life?
Notice recurring patterns: Do you always chase unavailable partners? Do you shut down when things get close? These are signs your attachment style is at play.

Can therapy help me change my attachment style?
Absolutely! Attachment-focused therapy and coaching can help rewire old patterns and build healthier ones.

Resources and further reading

• Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking.
• Dana, D. (2018). Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
• Heller, L., & Lapierre, A. (2012). Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
• Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

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The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.