Being in a relationship with someone who has a disorganized attachment style can feel like loving with both arms open and a shield up at the same time. If you’re trying to understand how to be with someone with a disorganized attachment style, you aren’t alone. This type of insecure attachment can be challenging, but with compassion, emotional awareness, and healthy boundaries, love can become a healing space.
Understanding disorganized attachment in relationships
Disorganized attachment is often rooted in early experiences of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving. Unlike secure attachment, where a person feels safe and trusting in close relationships, a disorganized attachment partner may experience intense inner conflict. They crave closeness but fear it at the same time, often displaying contradictory behaviors.
According to research from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN), children exposed to relational trauma are more likely to develop disorganized attachment patterns, which can persist into adulthood if not addressed.
Common behaviors of a partner with disorganized attachment
A partner with disorganized attachment may:
- Alternate between clinginess and emotional withdrawal
- Struggle with trust and fear of abandonment
- Exhibit unpredictable mood swings or emotional reactivity
- Have difficulty articulating needs
- Show signs of trauma bonding or heightened dependency
In this blog post, I dive deeper into disorganized attachment and the other three attachment styles. Click the link to explore the origins of attachment theory and the key traits of each style
Challenges of loving someone with a disorganized attachment style
Being in a relationship with a fearful avoidant partner can feel like navigating emotional landmines. Partners may feel confused, rejected, or constantly on edge. The disorganized partner, meanwhile, might be fighting an inner battle between craving connection and fearing intimacy.
According to Dr. David Wallin, author of Attachment in Psychotherapy, unresolved trauma can fragment a person’s internal experience, leading to disorganization in their relational patterns.
Do’s and Don’ts: How to be with someone with a disorganized attachment style
DO
- Practice patience and empathy
- Stay consistent and predictable
- Model emotional regulation
- Validate their experiences without trying to fix them
DON’T
- Take their emotional reactions personally
- Try to “save” or rescue them
- Use withdrawal or threats as a form of discipline
Remember: Your partner’s attachment wounds are not your fault to heal, but your support can help them feel safe enough to begin healing.
How to foster emotional safety and trust
Emotional safety is foundational for healing attachment wounds. Create an environment where your partner feels seen, heard, and accepted. Simple phrases like, “I’m not going anywhere,” or, “I see that you’re hurting,” can anchor them in safety.
In a study from Frontiers in Psychology, researchers found that emotional attunement and responsiveness are critical to building secure relational bonds, even in previously insecurely attached adults.
Setting healthy boundaries without triggering abandonment fears
Boundaries are necessary in any relationship, especially when emotional volatility is present. The key is to communicate them with compassion. Use “I” statements and reaffirm the connection even as you set limits.
For example: *”I need some time to cool down, but I care about you and we will talk later.”
According to Terri Cole, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist and boundary expert, setting boundaries is “an act of love and not rejection. It teaches others how to treat you without sacrificing your own peace.” Her YouTube channel has a ton of valuable content for healing attachment wounds and recovering from codependency.
When to seek help: Therapy and professional support
Therapy for attachment issues can be deeply transformative. Individual therapy helps partners unpack early trauma, while couples therapy fosters communication and understanding. Modalities like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or emotionally focused therapy (EFT) can be especially effective for treating attachment trauma.
Many therapists recommend that both partners seek support individually and together, particularly when trauma bonding or unresolved PTSD is present.
Here’s also a list of books about attachment theory I’ve curated to help you get started on your healing journey or support that of your partner’s.
Final thoughts: Choosing compassion while protecting yourself
Loving someone with a disorganized attachment style is not for the faint of heart. But if both partners are committed to growth, healing, and open communication, the relationship can evolve into a more secure and nourishing bond.
That said, don’t forget your own emotional safety. Compassion for your partner shouldn’t come at the cost of self-neglect. Hold space for love, but hold your boundaries too. Healing is possible, together and apart.
FAQs
What causes disorganized attachment in adults?
Often, it’s the result of early childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. These experiences disrupt the formation of a secure base, leading to confusion and fear around intimacy in adulthood.
Can a person with disorganized attachment have a healthy relationship?
Yes, with self-awareness, therapy, and a supportive partner, individuals with disorganized attachment can build and sustain healthy, secure relationships.
Is disorganized attachment the same as fearful avoidant?
Yes, they are often used interchangeably.
What kind of therapy helps with disorganized attachment?
Attachment-based therapy, EMDR, EFT, and somatic therapies can all be effective. It’s essential to work with a trauma-informed therapist experienced in attachment work.
Resources & further reading:
- American Psychological Association. (2020). Understanding psychotherapy and how it works.
- Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. New York: Other Press.
- Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154.
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
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The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.