For a long time, I thought I was just fiercely independent. I prided myself on not needing anyone, on keeping my emotions neatly tucked away. But underneath that strength was something else: a quiet fear of closeness, of being seen too deeply. That’s when I discovered attachment theory.
If you’re reading this, maybe you’ve felt it too. The urge to pull away when things get too close, the discomfort of emotional intimacy, the sense that needing others is somehow unsafe. Healing avoidant attachment isn’t about becoming someone different, it’s about gently learning to feel safe in connection.
This guide on how to heal avoidant attachment style walks you through the process I started following (and still follow) back in 2017:
1.Increase self-awareness
Recognizing patterns
Healing starts with noticing. Many people with avoidant tendencies don’t immediately realize their discomfort in relationships comes from deep-seated fears of emotional closeness. Instead, they might see themselves as “just independent” or think they simply haven’t met the right person.
Start by observing how you respond when someone wants to get emotionally close. Do you feel suffocated? Do you find faults in others quickly or pull away when things feel too good? These patterns are clues.
Research shows that avoidant attachment develops as a response to early emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving, where emotional expression was discouraged or ignored.
Recognizing these patterns without judgment is key. Self-awareness doesn’t mean blaming yourself for how you show up in relationships, it means understanding your triggers so you can start responding differently. You can begin to gently challenge that inner voice that says closeness is dangerous or that needing others is weak.
Journaling and reflection
Journaling is one of the most powerful tools for self-awareness. Write about your relationship history, how you respond to affection, and your fears around intimacy. Questions like “What makes me withdraw from people?” or “What was vulnerability like in my childhood home?” can open the door to deeper understanding.
Other helpful prompts might include:
- “How do I feel when someone expresses care for me?”
- “What beliefs do I hold about needing others?”
- “What did I learn about emotions growing up?”
It can feel strange initially, but journaling can help you name emotions you once avoided, an essential step in healing avoidant tendencies over time. You might begin to notice recurring themes, like a fear of being seen as weak or a deep discomfort with emotional dependency. Naming these truths is powerful.
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2.Develop emotional regulation skills
Techniques to manage emotions
Avoidant individuals often suppress or intellectualize emotions rather than feel them. To change that, you need tools to help your body and mind tolerate emotional discomfort.
Breathwork, progressive muscle relaxation, and self-soothing techniques like placing a hand over your heart can ground you during emotionally intense moments. These strategies retrain your nervous system to see emotional closeness as safe rather than threatening.
Try incorporating somatic practices like gentle movement, shaking, or stretching to release built-up tension. Over time, these tools can reduce emotional numbness and help you feel more in tune with your inner world.
You might also find value in naming your emotions aloud or silently to yourself: “I feel hurt,” “I feel afraid.” Labeling emotions activates the prefrontal cortex and helps regulate your nervous system, according to research from UCLA.
Mindfulness practices
This is where I found a big shift in my own healing journey. When I first realized I had both anxious and avoidant traits, everything made sense: why dating felt like a tug-of-war, why I shut down just as things were going well. Mindfulness helped me pause before reacting to choose connection over protection.
Practices like body scans, meditation, and even mindful walks allow you to stay present with your feelings, rather than disconnecting or avoiding them. Studies support mindfulness as a powerful way to increase emotional awareness and reduce stress responses in people with insecure attachment styles.
Mindfulness doesn’t have to look like sitting still for 30 minutes a day. It could mean pausing before you send a text, taking three deep breaths before responding in a tough conversation, or simply noticing when you feel the urge to pull away and choosing to stay present for five more minutes.
3.Build healthy relationships
Importance of secure attachments
Healing avoidant attachment doesn’t happen in isolation. We heal through healthy, emotionally safe relationships. Whether it’s a friend, a coach, or a partner, being around people who respect your boundaries but also gently challenge your emotional walls is key.
Secure attachment looks like consistency, open communication, and emotional availability. These are the experiences that slowly rewire your brain to see intimacy as nourishing instead of dangerous.
It’s also helpful to know that people with secure attachment styles aren’t perfect. They just respond to conflict with curiosity, not panic. They make repairs when things go wrong. When you’re used to avoidance, their emotional openness can feel unfamiliar, even boring at first. But boring is often safe. Give yourself time to adjust.
Communication strategies
Learning to communicate your needs is one of the hardest (and most rewarding) skills for someone with avoidant tendencies. Start small: try expressing when you feel overwhelmed instead of shutting down. Use “I” statements like, “I need a bit of space to process, but I care about this connection.”
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can be an excellent framework here, as it teaches how to identify needs and express them without blame or fear. Over time, better communication builds trust and emotional safety for you and the people you love.
Another helpful strategy is to practice reflective listening. This means summarizing what the other person said before responding. For example: “It sounds like you felt hurt when I pulled away. That wasn’t my intention.” This kind of communication fosters connection and reduces defensiveness.
4.Engage in professional support
The role of therapy
Working with a therapist can fast-track your healing. A professional can help you trace the roots of your avoidant patterns, offer tailored tools, and gently challenge the beliefs that keep you stuck.
Attachment-based therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and somatic therapies are especially helpful in working through avoidant tendencies. They go beyond talk therapy to address what’s happening in your nervous system and inner world.
Therapy can also offer something avoidant types rarely experience: a consistent emotional presence. Over time, this safe relationship with your therapist becomes a model for secure attachment.
If you can’t afford therapy at this time, read some attachment-related books to get started.
Finding the right therapist
It’s important to find someone you feel emotionally safe with. During initial consultations, consider asking questions like:
- Do you have experience working with avoidant attachment?
- What therapeutic modalities do you use?
- How do you handle emotional resistance or withdrawal?
The right therapist will make space for your hesitation and move at a pace that honors your nervous system.
5.Embrace vulnerability
Tips for opening up
Avoidant attachment is rooted in the belief that being vulnerable is unsafe. But vulnerability is also the gateway to intimacy, love, and connection.
Start by opening up in low-stakes situations. Share a personal story with a trusted friend. Admit when you feel unsure. Allow someone to see you without your emotional armor.
Remember, vulnerability isn’t about oversharing. It’s about being real in the moment, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Try these gentle ways to practice vulnerability:
- Share how you’re feeling before offering advice.
- Let someone know when you miss them.
- Ask for help, even in small ways.
Every act of openness reinforces the truth that your emotions are valid and your needs matter.
Accepting risks in relationships
Yes, opening up carries risk. But so does staying closed off.
You may feel fear, awkwardness, and even shame as you begin to let people in. That’s normal. But with each risk you take, you build evidence that love doesn’t have to hurt, that connection can feel safe.
Brené Brown, who has extensively researched vulnerability, says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”
And she’s right!
Healing avoidant attachment is not about changing who you are, it’s about coming home to yourself in a way that allows others in, too.
The more you choose to show up, even when it feels scary, the more you prove to yourself that you can survive emotional intimacy. Eventually, what once felt threatening becomes second nature.
Practice, not perfection
That’s a phrase I learned while attending a 12-step program. Practice, not perfection.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. Healing avoidant attachment is a practice, not a finish line. Step by step, you learn to recognize your patterns, manage your emotions, build meaningful relationships, seek support, and open your heart again.
And that’s how healing happens: one brave step at a time.
Give yourself permission to go slow. To pause. To get it wrong sometimes. This journey isn’t linear—and it isn’t an easy one—but it is worth it. You are worthy of love, connection, and deep emotional safety. And that healing starts with you.
References & further reading
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
- Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking.
- Dana, D. (2018). Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
- Heller, L., & Lapierre, A. (2012). Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
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The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.