Have you ever wondered if there are people with no attachment style? Or maybe, you’ve landed on this site because you think you don’t have one. When I first learned about attachment theory and began a fascinating journey of healing and growth I also wondered, “Is it possible to not have an attachment style at all?” That’s why, in this article, we’ll dive deeper into the world of attachment styles to learn if that’s possible. Spoiler alert: Not really, we all have one. But keep reading to learn why some people might think they don’t have any attachment style.
Understanding attachment styles
Attachment styles are deeply connected to how we perceive and respond to the world around us. To fully grasp this concept, it’s essential to explore not just what attachment styles are but also how they develop and manifest in our lives.
Definition and origins
Attachment theory is a psychological theory developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby that explains how relational patterns formed in early childhood affect adult relationships. Bowlby’s research revealed that these styles develop as a result of caregiver responsiveness—or lack thereof—during critical developmental stages. When caregivers are consistently nurturing and available, children tend to develop a secure attachment. In contrast, inconsistent, neglectful, or overly intrusive caregiving can lead to insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, also known as disorganized.
These early bonds become templates for future relationships, influencing how we perceive love, trust, and intimacy. While these patterns are deeply rooted, they are not set in stone; with awareness and effort, they can evolve.
The four attachment styles
Each attachment style represents a unique way of relating to others, stemming from early-life interactions. Understanding these styles can provide valuable insights into your relationship patterns and emotional responses.
Secure attachment
A secure attachment style represents the ideal balance between intimacy and independence in relationships. Individuals with this attachment pattern feel comfortable trusting others, expressing their emotions, and navigating conflicts constructively. They are generally self-assured and able to maintain healthy boundaries without fear of losing connection. This stability often stems from childhood experiences with caregivers who were consistently responsive, supportive, and emotionally available.
Anxious attachment
Anxious attachment is characterized by an intense focus on relationships, often accompanied by a fear of abandonment or rejection. Individuals with this attachment style may seem clingy, often seeking reassurance and validation from their partners. This ongoing concern with their relationships can lead to overthinking, excessive worry, and difficulty managing their emotions during conflicts. Anxious attachment is often rooted in childhood experiences with inconsistent caregiving, where a child’s needs were not met consistently.
Avoidant attachment
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style highly value independence and often feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They may avoid relying on others and prefer to keep their emotions private, viewing self-reliance as a protective mechanism. This attachment pattern often develops when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or discouraged displays of vulnerability during childhood.
Disorganised attachment (Fearful-avoidant)
Disorganized attachment reflects a complex blend of anxious and avoidant traits, often resulting from trauma or neglect during childhood. Individuals with this style may simultaneously crave intimacy while fearing it, leading to conflicting and unpredictable behaviors in their relationships. This attachment pattern typically arises when caregivers were both a source of comfort and a cause of fear, such as in situations of abuse or severe neglect.
We cover all four attachments, their origins, triggers, and how they manifest in adult relationships in an article exclusively dedicated to it.
Is it possible to not have an attachment style at all?
As mentioned at the beginning of this article, you may have landed on this site wondering if there are people with no attachment style at all. When someone feels disconnected or struggles to identify their patterns, it is possible to think that they don’t have an attachment style. However, according to Bowlby’s attachment theory, these styles are universal and shaped by every individual’s early environment.
Theoretical perspective
Attachment theory holds that everyone forms some type of attachment style during their early years, even if that style is insecure or maladaptive. From this perspective, the notion of lacking an attachment style entirely does not align with the theory.
However, some individuals might feel as though they have no attachment style because their relational patterns don’t seem to fit neatly into one of the recognized categories. This could be due to trauma, dissociation, or a lack of self-awareness, which we will explore further.
Personal reflection
There was a time when I was having difficulty forming deep emotional bonds with others, not just romantically but also with friends and even at work. Sometimes I thought I may have an anxious attachment style, sometimes avoidant, and sometimes both. I was confused. Maybe I didn’t fall under any category? Even completing some of the attachment quizzes in books I’d read didn’t quite answer the question for me.
Through therapy and introspection, I came to realize that my constant anxiety and avoidant behaviors stemmed from past experiences. While I initially felt confused, I discovered that my behaviors aligned with disorganized tendencies. This insight was a turning point, allowing me to understand my relational patterns and begin the journey toward building healthier connections.
Factors influencing perceived lack of attachment style
Why do some people think they might not have an attachment style? These are some of the factors to consider:
Trauma and dissociation
Significant trauma, particularly in childhood, can disrupt emotional development and lead to dissociation. Dissociation involves a sense of detachment from one’s emotions, memories, or even physical sensations, which can make it difficult to recognize or express attachment needs.
For instance, individuals who experience abuse or neglect may feel emotionally “numb” or disconnected from others. They might believe they lack an attachment style because their relational patterns are overshadowed by this detachment. However, even in such cases, the underlying attachment style—often disorganized—can be identified through exploration and professional support.
Emotional suppression
In some cases, individuals suppress their emotions so deeply that they appear to lack an attachment style. This is often a defense mechanism developed in response to environments where expressing emotions was unsafe or discouraged. While this suppression might look like detachment, it typically aligns with avoidant tendencies, as the individual prioritizes self-reliance over emotional intimacy.
Lack of self-awareness
Another reason someone might feel they lack an attachment style is a lack of self-awareness. Without introspection or an understanding of attachment theory, individuals may struggle to recognize their patterns. This is particularly true for those whose behaviors are subtle or situational.
For instance, someone might be secure in friendships but anxious in romantic relationships. They could mistake this variability as evidence of having no attachment style, rather than recognizing the situational triggers influencing their behavior.
Implications for adult relationships
Challenges in connection
Believing you lack an attachment style can make it difficult to form and maintain meaningful relationships. Without understanding your patterns, it’s challenging to identify areas for growth or communicate your needs effectively.
For example, if someone perceives themselves as unattached, they might avoid intimacy altogether, perpetuating a cycle of loneliness and misunderstanding.
Path to self-discovery
The good news is that recognizing and understanding your attachment style is always possible, regardless of how disconnected you might feel right now. Self-reflection, therapy, and resources on attachment theory can show you hidden patterns and provide actionable steps for change.
For me, journaling and practicing mindfulness-based practices became powerful tools. Working with a therapist further deepened this awareness, allowing me to reframe past experiences and develop healthier habits.
While it may feel as though some individuals lack an attachment style, attachment theory suggests that everyone has one, even if it’s not immediately apparent. Factors such as trauma, emotional suppression, or a lack of self-awareness can obscure attachment patterns, creating the illusion of detachment. However, through introspection and professional guidance, it’s possible to uncover and understand these hidden tendencies.
Understanding your attachment style is not just an academic exercise; it’s a transformative journey toward deeper connections and healthier relationships. Whether you identify as secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, the key lies in embracing your patterns with curiosity and compassion—and knowing that change is always within reach.
References
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books.
- Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam Books.
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee.
- Holmes, J. (2014). John Bowlby and Attachment Theory (2nd ed.). Routledge.