Are you dating someone who needs lots of alone time, and not sure how to give them space without drifting apart? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Many people ask themselves this question when in relationships with avoidant partners: “Should I give an avoidant partner space?” That is, without breaking things off completely?
In this article, we will discuss why it’s important to give space to a partner who avoids closeness.
We’ll explain how doing this can help your relationship grow while also taking care of yourself, and offer practical advice on striking the right balance!
What is avoidant attachment?
Avoidant attachment is one of the four attachment styles first coined by John Bowlby. Those with an avoidant orientation shun intimacy and closeness –out of fear of being rejected or abandoned– leading to emotional distance, distrust, and a dismissive stance toward their feelings.
Avoidant individuals might find it difficult to tell their partners what they need or ask them for support. This could potentially mean they end up in unfulfilling relationships, where needs go unmet on both sides!
Research indicates that avoidant attachment often develops from childhood experiences of inconsistent or absent emotional care by a caregiver. This teaches people to self-comfort and trust only themselves, making it tough to form deep bonds as adults.
Now that you know a bit about avoidant attachment style, let’s address the elephant in the room… That is, the question that has brought you to this very article: “Should I give an avoidant partner space?” The short answer is yes, but let’s break it down so you understand what we mean by space.
Why do avoidant partners need space?
When your avoidant partner wants space, it can be difficult… I get that!
But don’t worry: there are some valid reasons for their behavior. People who need lots of alone time just find emotions difficult in general; they can feel like connecting too often makes everything too intense.
They require individual time to handle their emotions and ideas before discussing them with us; this is vital for their personal development. If you give them room by not being pushy or making them feel needy, you might find that you grow closer in your relationship with them.
Although it might seem strange, granting space to our avoidant partners is ultimately beneficial. This strategy helps both individuals develop a deeper appreciation for the relationship, meaning they value it more over time (Levine & Heller, 2010).
Should you give an avoidant partner space?
Understand that each person has unique attachment-related needs in relationships. You have them as well! Some people love being together all the time; while for others, too much closeness feels suffocating.
If your partner is avoidant it can help to give them space, this will enable them to reconnect with their feelings and come back to you more connected than before!
Strike a balance between your needs and those of your partner; openly discuss boundaries so both parties feel heard and respected. This will help build trust, a key component for any successful relationship! (The Gottman Institute)
Let’s put it this way: granting space isn’t about creating distance. It’s simply giving people room to nurture relationships in their own time.
Signs your avoidant partner needs space
Has your partner been distant? They might just need some alone time. Here are a few signs your avoidant partner needs some space:
- Less communication: If your partner used to talk all the time but now seems far away or uninterested, they might need some space.
- Canceled plans: Have your partner’s cancellations become routine? This might show they feel suffocated and require alone time.
- Delayed responses to texts or calls: If they suddenly take longer to reply or keep conversations brief, they may be creating space without directly saying so.
- Irritability or short responses: If they seem more impatient or easily annoyed, it could be a sign they feel overwhelmed and need alone time.
- Increased focus on hobbies or work: They may immerse themselves in solo activities as a way to regain a sense of independence.
- Avoiding deep conversations: If they shut down or change the subject when emotions come up, they may be trying to create distance.
- Physical distance: They might withdraw from physical closeness, such as hugging, cuddling, or hand-holding, as a way to self-regulate.
If you notice any of these signs, talk to your partner about their needs and also address yours. It’s important to have an open conversation, so you both can find the right balance.
How to navigate the need for space without feeling rejected?
Finding space in a relationship can be challenging, more so with an avoidant partner.
You might wonder: Should I back off when they ask for space or make sure they know I’m here?
Remember, though: They aren’t necessarily rebuffing by needing time alone!
When it comes to relationships, communication is vital– and it’s no exception here. To get why your partner wants some alone time, talk to them candidly and calmly. You can explain how you feel too: that way, nobody feels shut out or misunderstood.
Remember, everyone needs space occasionally, it doesn’t mean they love or care for you any less. Giving your partner the necessary space shows respect for their boundaries and confidence in your connection (Psychology Today).
Take the opportunity to concentrate on personal interests, spend time with your friends, or just relax by yourself.
Strike a harmony: Offer space but stay in touch. Drop a quick text just to say hey!
What to do if giving space feels like a cycle of distance?
When they need space you give it to them. But after a while, it feels like you’re stuck in a cycle of distance, and that can be really difficult for both partners in the relationship.
While giving space could seem to be the answer, if you’re left feeling disconnected and unsure of where you stand in your relationship, it’s time to rethink things.
Ask yourself: Is your partner avoiding intimacy altogether or do they just need a little alone time?
Having open and engaging conversations is essential. Talk about your needs openly, and work together to find a balance that doesn’t create distance!
This is particularly important if you have an anxious or disorganized attachment style. You might find it difficult to give your avoidant partner space because you crave that closeness that they so vehemently avoid.
You may even disregard your needs, bend over backward to please them, fall into codependent behaviors, and ultimately feel resentful. Believe me, I’ve been there one too many times!
That’s not the point of this article! If giving them space is causing strain and anxiety in your life, this relationship might not be the right one for you. Set healthy boundaries and expectations, communicate openly to address each one’s needs, and understand where they’re coming from when they ask for some space. You’ve got this!
References & further reading
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Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
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Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love.
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Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.
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